Mother & child reunion can be a tall order
Local author charts perilous waters

Valeri Drach Weidmann
H.P. Mirror staff

In the recent film “Because I Said So,” Diane Keaton plays a mom who is willing to do anything to help her adult daughter fulfill her life and find the perfect mate. Convinced that her daughter is not doing the right things to accomplish this goal, the mother places an online ad for her -- interviews the prospective dates -- selects the right candidate -- and arranges for them to meet, all without her daughter's knowledge.

Actually this scenario is not all that strange, according to Highland Park resident Deborah Carr. Carr, a Rutgers sociology professor also appointed at the U. of Wisconsin, has recently published along with freelance writer Julie Halpert Making Up With Mom. The book’s subtitle is “Why Mothers and Daughters Disagree about Kids, Cooking and Careers (and What to Do About It)” – a subject you could definitely write a book about.

Meet the new normal

It seems that mothers who were raised during the 1950s and ‘60s, when the stay-home mom was the norm, have different expectations for their daughters now that the norm is to both work and raise families.

"Very often the mothers, who are really trying to help their daughters, criticize what they are feeding their grandchildren, that they talk too much about breast feeding, the dirt in their homes, and even how they are dressing their children," Carr said. "The daughters look at the advice as their mother’s disapproving of them and this leads to friction and misunderstanding."

“Both sides have a lot to learn from each other,” Carr said. “What was best thirty years ago for women might not be the same today."

To get to the root of the problem and possible solutions, the two interviewed 50 pairs of mothers and daughters, two dozen psychologists, a matchmaker, sociologists, financial advisors and pediatricians.

The two teamed up after Carr published the journal article “My Daughter Has a Career - I Just Raised Babies: Women's Intergenerational Social Comparisons” in 2001. Halpert, who is a mother and a journalist, had wanted to tackle this subject from the daughter's point of view, because her own mother was criticizing her for overscheduling the children and not taking enough time for herself.

Carr seemed to be a perfect choice of co-author because she was looking more at the mother's perspective.

"Mothers should know that daughters really want their approval and advice," Carr said. "They just don't want to be micromanaged and criticized, which often just makes them act even more childish."

Carr has some advice for daughters as well to make their lives better.

"Daughters should know that mothers are truth-tellers," Carr said. "Friends and colleagues will tell you what you want to hear, they're tactful . . . mothers actually confirm the little voices we hear in our own heads about what we really should be doing."

"Mothers today like to turn to science and guidebooks when it comes to problems with childcare," Carr said "But their own mothers can really help in that area."

Teach your children well

The authors have also found some other interesting tidbits about the golden generation.

"I was surprised to learn that mothers really weren't jealous that their daughters were having careers," Carr said. "They were [more] worried that their daughters were overworked and had lives that were harder than their own."

"Although some mothers are not disappointed about not having a career, they do envy their daughters’ financial independence," Carr said.

This generation of mothers also pinned their hopes on their daughters much as fathers do on their sons. Many are glad that their daughters do have successful professions. Some are disappointed when their Vassar graduates simply stay home and raise children, or take on careers that are below their educational levels. They're also sometimes disappointed when a daughter marries a husband with a less high-powered career.

Talk amongst yourselves

According to Carr, there are resolutions to the mother-daughter tension that can be quite beneficial for everyone.

Some constructive ways to deal with mother-daughter relations, Carr suggests, include: don’t psycho-analyze each other, rather conduct an oral history to better understand one another; trying a mother-daughter movie night or discussion group; and finally, accepting the relationship you already have, warts and all. This last might be the most realistic jumping-off point.

And if you are really lucky your mother, like the Diane Keaton character in “Because I Said So,” will find her own perfect mate and leave you alone.